Biggest Wuss on the Planet

That is me.

There is something that I want very, very badly. And yet I am too scared to do anything about it, so I just sit by and pray for a miracle that it will suddenly come to me. But inside, I know that Heavenly Father expects me to put forth effort before He will step in and help. But I'm too scared! So then I pray for a miracle...etc. This annoying thought process has been going through my mind over and over for five months. I'm getting so sick of it, but I still am too scared to do anything! AHHHHH!!!! I drive myself crazy!

I have this huge fear of rejection. What I am more afraid of than rejection is that people will think I'm an idiot for even trying. Which is why:

-I never ran for an office in school, even though I really wanted to.

-I never tried out at HCT.

-I wouldn't answer questions in school unless I was 100 % positive it was right.

There are a lot of more stupid things, but this list just makes me disgusted with myself.

And then I think of the few times that I did put myself out there for something I wanted:

- A Presidential Scholarship. That worked.

- Acceptance into a music program. That worked at some schools.

- But one time in particular ended horribly. There was something I really really wanted (but not as much as this thing now). No matter how hard I tried, it just wouldn't work out. It devastated me, and I felt like an idiot for even trying.

- But this other time I wanted something, and I succeeded! I had been dreaming of this exact opportunity for over a decade, and I decided I was going to get it no matter what, and I worked so hard and got it! And that was the role of Fantine. Most people didn't think I was capable of it and I definitely doubted myself a lot during the audtition process, and even the during the rehearsals and performances, but it was worth it.

That's the biggest example of success I can think of right now. So I know that it is possible, and I should go for my new goal. But then I think of the utter failures I have experienced and I don't know if I could handle that again right now.

So then I realize I'm too scared and we start right back at the realization that I'm a wuss.

I can't stand myself.

I am pretty sure none of this even makes sense. ugh.

Opera

During Singin' In the Rain I promised myself that I would not do a show at all next school year. I just need to work so that I can pay for school and such. Plus, I will be taking super hard classes, and it's my piano proficiency test next semester!

Yesterday at my Jury (where I go sing the semester's repertoire for the voice department and they grade me), when I was done singing, Dr. Brookens said, "Are you doing the Opera next year?" I said no. Then she said, "Well, you have to. I want you to be in it, ok?" She is the head of the Vocal Department. I couldn't say no. So I said yes. DANG IT!!!!!

It's going to be another year of having no life, and stressing out, and not earning much money. I just need to realize that that is always how it is going to be for me.

Freakout

The other day I had a major freakout! I had a bunch of final assignments due, and I had to be at school every night to see different recitals I was required to go to, and of course, it was my piano final on thursday. Piano finals are the worst thing in the world. I can practice for hours, but once I go into Dr. Yang's office I forget everthing and do poorly. I usually get a B on the midterms and finals, which is unsatisfactory for me. Anyway, I just kind of started to panic because I didn't think I could handle the last week and a half of school.

When I went to pray that night, I didn't know what to say because I needed Heavenly Father's help for so many things! I felt bad asking for so many things so I decided to ask for nothing. Instead, I only thanked Heavenly Father for my blessings. The prayer went on for about 4 minutes, and the next day I still did poorly on my piano final, but you know what? I felt extremely loved by my Heavenly Father because I had realized all of the amazings things he has given me in my life. And most of them I have definitely not deserved. Wow. Now I am feeling much better and I can tackle the last three days of school!

Piano Conversation

I was highly entertained by a conversation in piano class the other day. You will think this is lame, but I have had the two most stressful weeks ever with school and if it wasn't for this bit of laughter I might have had a nervous breakdown.

My piano professor, Dr. Yang, is probably the nicest woman in the world. Until you are in one of her classes. Once we go into the classroom, she is very strict. I swear she wants every music major & minor to be a concert pianist.

On Tuesday, we were all in piano class playing some harmonic minor scales, when she randomly looked outside and saw all of the snow falling. She burst out (imagine it in an Asian accent): "That's it! I am moving back to Taiwan! When I moved here 20 years ago the weather wasn't this crazy. Global warming? I don't think so!" HAHAHAHA I have never her talk like that before and it was HILARIOUS!! And then this girl replied, "Mother Nature is bipolar. And also Menopausal." What?! HAHAHAHA. Wow.

Obviously, I don't get out much.

LEGALLY BLONDE!!!!

"See Dreams Really Do Come True, You Never Have to Compromise!" - Legally Blonde

Yes, nothing bad happened! I was able to go to Legally Blonde!!!!! And we all wore pink and bought T-shirts. It was so much fun! I am pretty sure no one has ever been as excited as we were to see the show! It was fantastic! We LOVED it!!! When the show ended, we were all like, "Now What?" We all waited to see the show for almost a year and now what is there to look forward to? haha
Cortney and Me

Me, Caitlin, Rachel, Cortney

Legally Blonde Nightmares: "What you want is right in front of you, front of you!" But will I get there?

Once upon a time, I heard that they were turning Legally Blonde (a movie with Reese Witherspoon) into a Broadway musical. My reaction was, "are you kidding me?! that is the stupidest idea ever!"

So about two years later, I had received some target gift cards for my 18th birthday. I don't buy much at target; usually just movies. So Iwent to look at movies and didn't find much I wanted, so I decided to look at the musical soundtracks. They only had a few: Jersey Boys, West Side Story, and Legally Blonde. I thought, "what the heck? I'll get them all! I have nothing else to spend this money on." And guess what?! I FELL IN LOVE WITH LEGALLY BLONDE!!!!!! They changed the story so that it was way cuter than in the movie. And the songs were FANTASTIC!!! I wanted to share my love for this musical with others, but everyone thought I was a weirdo. I had Caitlin listen to the music. She was hooked. And at school, I found out that two of my friends, Cortney and Rachel, also like the show! And I also found out that MTV had recorded a Broadway Performance and I watched and loved it even more!

So the four of us shared this deep love for Legally Blonde the Musical. And then GUESS WHAT!? About a year ago we found out that it was coming to Capitol Theatre!!! And we freaked out! And we bought tickets way in advance and spent more money on tickets than we really needed to, just to make sure that we saw it!!

And Legally Blonde is here!!! And we are going to see it on Friday! And I might just pee my pants with excitement!

But I keep worrying that something will go wrong. Last night I had a dream that we got there late, and then we found out that the lead was in the hospital and so Elle was going to be played by a local actress. And the local actress was Erin Crouch, who is an amazing person but she's not Elle Woods! I know none of that stuff would happen, but it seemed very real at the moment!

Then today while I was at school I got a call from my mom. I listened to the message and she said that there had been a fire at Capitol Theatre. It had happened in the night.I started to freak out! My dreams were ruined! But she continued to say that it was put out very quickly and Legally Blonde would be running normally! Phew!

Needless to say, I have been very anxious today. If something happens and I don't see this show with my friends I will be very upset. The End.

An Excellent Reminder

I have gone and done baptisms for the dead many times in my life. But I have never been baptized for someone I was related to before, because there are some geneology-crazed people in my family who have made sure everyone's temple work is done. On Saturday, I not only got to be baptized for a relative, but it was someone I actually knew on this earth! Her name was Jean. She was one of my English cousins. Actually, she was my my great-grandma's cousin, but we call all of our relatives who live in England our English cousins. She came to the U.S. about three different times in my lifetime, and she was very sweet and she always called me "love" which I thought was awesome! Being baptized and confirmed for her was such a wonderful experience for me. I was thinking about my baptism 11 1/2 years ago and how different my life would be without it. Being Baptized for her reminded me of everything I know and how it has blessed my life.



Membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints brings me more joy than anything else for so many reasons. Knowing that I am a daughter of God gives me the confidence to work hard in all that I do. It's what keeps me going when I feel like giving up. Knowing that Jesus Christ is my Savior and my friend is the biggest blessing in my life. I have become so much closer to Him in the last two-ish years. I always thought that the Atonement was for when we made really big mistakes, and since I have never done that, I didn't really pay as much attention to the Atonement as I should have. But then I started to lose some of my closest friends, and nothing was working out the way I wanted it too. I felt really alone because no one knew how I felt. Some people even said they were glad to see that my life FINALLY wasn't going perfectly. Ouch. And through these times I learned the Jesus Christ knew exactly how I felt. He suffered for EVERYTHING I have gone through, and so He knows how to heal me. I now make Him a part of my life in everything I do, and it makes life so much more bearable.

I am also grateful for the Holy Ghost. It is through the Holy Ghost that I am able to draw closer to God and to know what I should do in my life.

I love this Gospel, and I am happy that Jean now has the opportunity to have these blessings. And I am grateful that although my life is insanely busy right now, I took the time to go to the temple so that I could reflect on these things that I know.