Biggest Wuss on the Planet

That is me.

There is something that I want very, very badly. And yet I am too scared to do anything about it, so I just sit by and pray for a miracle that it will suddenly come to me. But inside, I know that Heavenly Father expects me to put forth effort before He will step in and help. But I'm too scared! So then I pray for a miracle...etc. This annoying thought process has been going through my mind over and over for five months. I'm getting so sick of it, but I still am too scared to do anything! AHHHHH!!!! I drive myself crazy!

I have this huge fear of rejection. What I am more afraid of than rejection is that people will think I'm an idiot for even trying. Which is why:

-I never ran for an office in school, even though I really wanted to.

-I never tried out at HCT.

-I wouldn't answer questions in school unless I was 100 % positive it was right.

There are a lot of more stupid things, but this list just makes me disgusted with myself.

And then I think of the few times that I did put myself out there for something I wanted:

- A Presidential Scholarship. That worked.

- Acceptance into a music program. That worked at some schools.

- But one time in particular ended horribly. There was something I really really wanted (but not as much as this thing now). No matter how hard I tried, it just wouldn't work out. It devastated me, and I felt like an idiot for even trying.

- But this other time I wanted something, and I succeeded! I had been dreaming of this exact opportunity for over a decade, and I decided I was going to get it no matter what, and I worked so hard and got it! And that was the role of Fantine. Most people didn't think I was capable of it and I definitely doubted myself a lot during the audtition process, and even the during the rehearsals and performances, but it was worth it.

That's the biggest example of success I can think of right now. So I know that it is possible, and I should go for my new goal. But then I think of the utter failures I have experienced and I don't know if I could handle that again right now.

So then I realize I'm too scared and we start right back at the realization that I'm a wuss.

I can't stand myself.

I am pretty sure none of this even makes sense. ugh.

Opera

During Singin' In the Rain I promised myself that I would not do a show at all next school year. I just need to work so that I can pay for school and such. Plus, I will be taking super hard classes, and it's my piano proficiency test next semester!

Yesterday at my Jury (where I go sing the semester's repertoire for the voice department and they grade me), when I was done singing, Dr. Brookens said, "Are you doing the Opera next year?" I said no. Then she said, "Well, you have to. I want you to be in it, ok?" She is the head of the Vocal Department. I couldn't say no. So I said yes. DANG IT!!!!!

It's going to be another year of having no life, and stressing out, and not earning much money. I just need to realize that that is always how it is going to be for me.

Freakout

The other day I had a major freakout! I had a bunch of final assignments due, and I had to be at school every night to see different recitals I was required to go to, and of course, it was my piano final on thursday. Piano finals are the worst thing in the world. I can practice for hours, but once I go into Dr. Yang's office I forget everthing and do poorly. I usually get a B on the midterms and finals, which is unsatisfactory for me. Anyway, I just kind of started to panic because I didn't think I could handle the last week and a half of school.

When I went to pray that night, I didn't know what to say because I needed Heavenly Father's help for so many things! I felt bad asking for so many things so I decided to ask for nothing. Instead, I only thanked Heavenly Father for my blessings. The prayer went on for about 4 minutes, and the next day I still did poorly on my piano final, but you know what? I felt extremely loved by my Heavenly Father because I had realized all of the amazings things he has given me in my life. And most of them I have definitely not deserved. Wow. Now I am feeling much better and I can tackle the last three days of school!

Piano Conversation

I was highly entertained by a conversation in piano class the other day. You will think this is lame, but I have had the two most stressful weeks ever with school and if it wasn't for this bit of laughter I might have had a nervous breakdown.

My piano professor, Dr. Yang, is probably the nicest woman in the world. Until you are in one of her classes. Once we go into the classroom, she is very strict. I swear she wants every music major & minor to be a concert pianist.

On Tuesday, we were all in piano class playing some harmonic minor scales, when she randomly looked outside and saw all of the snow falling. She burst out (imagine it in an Asian accent): "That's it! I am moving back to Taiwan! When I moved here 20 years ago the weather wasn't this crazy. Global warming? I don't think so!" HAHAHAHA I have never her talk like that before and it was HILARIOUS!! And then this girl replied, "Mother Nature is bipolar. And also Menopausal." What?! HAHAHAHA. Wow.

Obviously, I don't get out much.