Biggest Wuss on the Planet

That is me.

There is something that I want very, very badly. And yet I am too scared to do anything about it, so I just sit by and pray for a miracle that it will suddenly come to me. But inside, I know that Heavenly Father expects me to put forth effort before He will step in and help. But I'm too scared! So then I pray for a miracle...etc. This annoying thought process has been going through my mind over and over for five months. I'm getting so sick of it, but I still am too scared to do anything! AHHHHH!!!! I drive myself crazy!

I have this huge fear of rejection. What I am more afraid of than rejection is that people will think I'm an idiot for even trying. Which is why:

-I never ran for an office in school, even though I really wanted to.

-I never tried out at HCT.

-I wouldn't answer questions in school unless I was 100 % positive it was right.

There are a lot of more stupid things, but this list just makes me disgusted with myself.

And then I think of the few times that I did put myself out there for something I wanted:

- A Presidential Scholarship. That worked.

- Acceptance into a music program. That worked at some schools.

- But one time in particular ended horribly. There was something I really really wanted (but not as much as this thing now). No matter how hard I tried, it just wouldn't work out. It devastated me, and I felt like an idiot for even trying.

- But this other time I wanted something, and I succeeded! I had been dreaming of this exact opportunity for over a decade, and I decided I was going to get it no matter what, and I worked so hard and got it! And that was the role of Fantine. Most people didn't think I was capable of it and I definitely doubted myself a lot during the audtition process, and even the during the rehearsals and performances, but it was worth it.

That's the biggest example of success I can think of right now. So I know that it is possible, and I should go for my new goal. But then I think of the utter failures I have experienced and I don't know if I could handle that again right now.

So then I realize I'm too scared and we start right back at the realization that I'm a wuss.

I can't stand myself.

I am pretty sure none of this even makes sense. ugh.